How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age' Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.' Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.' Agatha: 'I was sitting on my garden swing on my front verandah. It was a warm spring evening, when a young man crept up on the verandah and sat down beside me.' Defence barrister: 'Did you know him? ' Agatha: 'No, but he was really friendly.' Defence barrister: 'What happened after he sat down?' Agatha: 'He started to rub my thigh.' Defence barrister: 'Did you stop him?' Agatha: 'No, I didn't stop him.' Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?' Agatha: 'It felt so good and nobody had done that since my husband George died almost 35 years ago.' Defence barrister: 'What happened next?' Agatha: 'He began to kiss my legs and inner thighs.' Defense Attorney: 'Did you stop him then?' Agatha: 'No, I didn't stop him.' Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?' Agatha: 'Because he made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in so many years! And I was getting so moist too!' Defence barrister: 'What happened next?' Agatha: 'Well, by this time I was feeling like I was about to explode that I just took all my clothes off, laid down and said "Take me young man, take me now"!' Defence barrister: 'And tell me, did he take you?' Agatha: 'Lord no!.....He just yelled "April Fool You Old Cow" and that's when I shot him, the little fucker.'

April, foo!

Gaseous Clay.

In his sleevies of course.

It was a real cloister fuck.

The first man asked the second man, “Why is there an empty seat at the Super Bowl?” The second man answered , “it was my wife’s seat. My wife passed away”. The first man said, “Sorry to hear that. Couldn’t you have brought one of your friends?” The second man said,”No, they’re all attending her funeral.”

Blonde, Brunette Redhead racing around town in a sports car with the top down late on a Saturday night. As they race down the boulevard right near their house, a cop going the other way flips on it's lights and sirens and starts to do a U turn to give chase. The Blonde, Brunette and Redhead are right around the corner from their house so they do a quick turn down a side street and start heading down an alley right behind their house, but they cannot quite make it to their driveway before they see the cop lights shining down the alley. Before the cop can get their car into the alley the 3 girls jump out of the convertible and each jumps into a burlap sack next to some trashcans. The cops pull in behind the now empty car but do not see the girls. One of the cops sees the burlap sacks and gives one a kick. The Brunette says: "meow, meow" "oh, there are cats in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the next sack a kick and the red head says: "arf, arf". "oh, there are dogs in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the last sack a kick and the blonde says: "potato".

He followed the fragrance, only to discover it was coming from a bear - who had now caught him. He nervously asked the bear "How do you have such unbearable body odor?"

Nails, screws, or bolts.

And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks